9 March 2013
DATELINE: BOISE, ID: “Buy one, get one free! Everything must go!”
Thus spoke Dr. William “Wiley” Coyote, M.D., and CEO of Acme-American Hospitals, LLC, during a press conference at corporate headquarters. Coyote was announcing a nationwide sale of healthcare slated to take place during April 2013.
“This will be a sale of stunning proportions,” observed Coyote, “For the first time ever, Americans will be able to buy the healthcare they want, at a price that will amaze them.”
“Everything will be on the surgical table, so to speak,” said Coyote. “Let’s say a person has always wanted a kidney transplant, but has not been able to afford one. During this unique event, anyone can go to one of our Acme-American facilities and buy as many kidney transplants as he or she could possibly want. At prices that can’t be beat.”
“And livers?” Coyote continued, “You want to talk livers? For this sale, and this sale only, liver transplants will sell so low, why, we can’t advertise ’em. Come one, come all! Buy one, get one free!”
Continuing his presentation, the long-time Acme-American CEO added, “MRIs? CT-scans? Same thing. Everything will be on sale. No reasonable offers will be rejected. Everything must go. As I always say, here at Acme-American Hospitals, ‘If I can’t sell you the cheapest course of chemotherapy in the country, why, I’m just gonna give it to ya’.’”
Several additional, lower-level Acme-American employees spoke on condition of anonymity, as they were not authorized to offer medical opinions without a license.